I have long held to the idea that women have many subtle signs when it comes to flirtatious behavior. Many times I would blow off what I thought was flirty behavior – reminding myself that I can tend to be arrogant and slightly self absorbed. Well according to this article by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen The 10 Signs of Flirting it looks as though it was not just my ego, my suspicions were actually spot on.
Let’s just say that it is probably a good thing that I learned this 6 years into a very happy and healthy relationship. Who knows how many more broken hearts and dead end relationships I would have suffered through, had I known then what I know now.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Friday, December 4, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Is Love a choice
Feelings are not the end all be all. Feelings serve a purpose, yes. There is a reason however that we have the capability to feel one thing but can choose to do another. Just to be clear, everything is a choice – everything, and by not making a choice, we make a choice.
Any pre-marital book you read, and any relationship counselor you talk to will tell you that the “In-love” feeling will eventually go away. If you go into a relationship with the idea that you will always feel the way you felt in the beginning of a new relationship, you will ALWAYS be let down. Then you will decide you're not in love with the person and most likely move on. Being “In-Love” serves a very real biological purpose, think about how the process works for a second, it is directly related to our need to procreate. Not only will the “In-Love” feeling go away, but your love will change. I love my wife differently today than I did even 1 year ago. I actually love her more today (5 years later) than I ever have. It is not superficial, it is not like it was in the beginning when I was too “In-love” with her to see her defects, and I was excited in getting to know her. We (my wife and I) made a choice to grow in our relationship and friendship. We understood that at somepoint we would have to learn to truly love each other and we have. We have had to work through the tough times, the frustraiting times. We have both made the choice to work on our relationship no matter what and that divorce is not an option. That being said we have also made the commitment to not step outside the marriage, no matter what our feelings might tell us. It is seriously unrealistic to think that you will never be attracted to another person in your life, because you are married to the one you love. The difference is what you do with that attraction or those feelings.
This is a little parable that does a great job of describing our choice over feelings -
Choosing empowerment and positivity, or negativity and unhappiness, is a decision that you're making every day, whether you realize it or not.
Native American culture tells the story of a man who explains his own constant struggle between positive, empowering, creative impulses and negative and self-destructive ones by telling his son that he has two wolves fighting in his heart -- a good wolf and a bad one. The boy asks him which of the two will win the battle. The father replies, "Whichever one I feed."
It's very true. The feelings that we nurture and return to, time after time, are the ones which come to dominate our thoughts and actions, while the ones we turn away from fade away.
The exciting thing is, we have a choice. Although the two wolves both exist, we can choose which one of them we want to feed. That means, we choose which one will win.
You probably know people who feel sorry for themselves, who belittle others, who seem to get some kind of pleasure out of feeling miserable, who portray themselves as victims and reject the affections of anyone who doesn't offer constant sympathy. Often it seems to everybody but themselves that they actually have a whole lot going for them, but they're apt to be defensive if anyone should ever dare to point that out!
That's a classic example of what happens when you feed the bad wolf. You don't satisfy an appetite for any kind of feeling when you feed it - you only make it stronger. If you indulge negative feelings about yourself or other people, you strengthen them until they're very hard indeed to break away from.
The other side of the coin's what happens when you feed the GOOD wolf. If you know people who always seem to get a real kick out of life, who laugh a lot, have lots of friends and interests, and light up the room with energy and sparkle, who succeed in everything they turn their hand to and who always seem to have a lot of fun, you don't need ask which wolf THEY'RE feeding.
Choosing Empowerment And Positivity - Feeding The GOOD Wolf by Aislinn O'Connor Supreme Success
Any pre-marital book you read, and any relationship counselor you talk to will tell you that the “In-love” feeling will eventually go away. If you go into a relationship with the idea that you will always feel the way you felt in the beginning of a new relationship, you will ALWAYS be let down. Then you will decide you're not in love with the person and most likely move on. Being “In-Love” serves a very real biological purpose, think about how the process works for a second, it is directly related to our need to procreate. Not only will the “In-Love” feeling go away, but your love will change. I love my wife differently today than I did even 1 year ago. I actually love her more today (5 years later) than I ever have. It is not superficial, it is not like it was in the beginning when I was too “In-love” with her to see her defects, and I was excited in getting to know her. We (my wife and I) made a choice to grow in our relationship and friendship. We understood that at somepoint we would have to learn to truly love each other and we have. We have had to work through the tough times, the frustraiting times. We have both made the choice to work on our relationship no matter what and that divorce is not an option. That being said we have also made the commitment to not step outside the marriage, no matter what our feelings might tell us. It is seriously unrealistic to think that you will never be attracted to another person in your life, because you are married to the one you love. The difference is what you do with that attraction or those feelings.
This is a little parable that does a great job of describing our choice over feelings -
Choosing empowerment and positivity, or negativity and unhappiness, is a decision that you're making every day, whether you realize it or not.
Native American culture tells the story of a man who explains his own constant struggle between positive, empowering, creative impulses and negative and self-destructive ones by telling his son that he has two wolves fighting in his heart -- a good wolf and a bad one. The boy asks him which of the two will win the battle. The father replies, "Whichever one I feed."
It's very true. The feelings that we nurture and return to, time after time, are the ones which come to dominate our thoughts and actions, while the ones we turn away from fade away.
The exciting thing is, we have a choice. Although the two wolves both exist, we can choose which one of them we want to feed. That means, we choose which one will win.
You probably know people who feel sorry for themselves, who belittle others, who seem to get some kind of pleasure out of feeling miserable, who portray themselves as victims and reject the affections of anyone who doesn't offer constant sympathy. Often it seems to everybody but themselves that they actually have a whole lot going for them, but they're apt to be defensive if anyone should ever dare to point that out!
That's a classic example of what happens when you feed the bad wolf. You don't satisfy an appetite for any kind of feeling when you feed it - you only make it stronger. If you indulge negative feelings about yourself or other people, you strengthen them until they're very hard indeed to break away from.
The other side of the coin's what happens when you feed the GOOD wolf. If you know people who always seem to get a real kick out of life, who laugh a lot, have lots of friends and interests, and light up the room with energy and sparkle, who succeed in everything they turn their hand to and who always seem to have a lot of fun, you don't need ask which wolf THEY'RE feeding.
Choosing Empowerment And Positivity - Feeding The GOOD Wolf by Aislinn O'Connor Supreme Success
Forgiveness
The thing about resentment is that it hurts the person that holds on to it more than anyone else. Its liking being angry at someone and then drinking poison to get back at them. Forgiveness is a huge key to being content and finding happiness in this life.
Forgiving someone is not saying what they did was right or ok. Forgiving someone is not condoning their actions.
Forgiving someone is releasing the power, bond or hold that that person or their actions have over your life.
I have had to forgive some people for some pretty horrific things that were done to me. I am in no way saying this is easy or that there is not a process one must go through, but having gone through it I can attest to the fact that I have never felt as free or as comfortable in my own skin until I was able to truly forgive them.
I can really relate to what you are saying. I don't feel this is the proper place to go into the details, but I have been able to forgive people for the cruelest things a person can do to a child.
I know that at some point living with the hurt becomes normal and almost a fuel or a catalyst for certain areas, for instance I had step dad that told me I was a worthless piece of shit every day he was in my life and that I would never succeed in anything, and I would never even graduate highschool. That motivated me to prove him wrong, I do have a high school diploma, and I just graduated from college (@ 30, but still have my degree). Now that was fine and all, except the fact that as long as I held on to that resentment, I still felt deep down inside that I was that piece of shit, no matter what I accomplished.
The bottom line is until you truly forgive that person it will eat you from the inside. You can try and mask it with a happy face, a career, alcohol, sex, what every you choose, but it is always their when your home alone in that quiet place and the alcohol is warn off and the girl is gone.
Also I didn't want to have the baggage to carry into my marriage and take out on my wife or children, I wanted to deal with it the best I could so I don't make the same mistakes. There is a saying that unfortunately many times is true - "We become the things we hate"
Forgiving someone is not saying what they did was right or ok. Forgiving someone is not condoning their actions.
Forgiving someone is releasing the power, bond or hold that that person or their actions have over your life.
I have had to forgive some people for some pretty horrific things that were done to me. I am in no way saying this is easy or that there is not a process one must go through, but having gone through it I can attest to the fact that I have never felt as free or as comfortable in my own skin until I was able to truly forgive them.
"What if you have no desire to forgive them? That living with the turmoil and disgust of the situation at hand is far better then releasing that hold that they have on you?"
I can really relate to what you are saying. I don't feel this is the proper place to go into the details, but I have been able to forgive people for the cruelest things a person can do to a child.
I know that at some point living with the hurt becomes normal and almost a fuel or a catalyst for certain areas, for instance I had step dad that told me I was a worthless piece of shit every day he was in my life and that I would never succeed in anything, and I would never even graduate highschool. That motivated me to prove him wrong, I do have a high school diploma, and I just graduated from college (@ 30, but still have my degree). Now that was fine and all, except the fact that as long as I held on to that resentment, I still felt deep down inside that I was that piece of shit, no matter what I accomplished.
The bottom line is until you truly forgive that person it will eat you from the inside. You can try and mask it with a happy face, a career, alcohol, sex, what every you choose, but it is always their when your home alone in that quiet place and the alcohol is warn off and the girl is gone.
Also I didn't want to have the baggage to carry into my marriage and take out on my wife or children, I wanted to deal with it the best I could so I don't make the same mistakes. There is a saying that unfortunately many times is true - "We become the things we hate"
Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships
I found this on the following website - http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/relationships/healthy.htm
How a Healthy relationship looks compared to an Unhealthy one -
Healthy
Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
Unhealthy
You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.
Healthy
Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."
Unhealthy
You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.
Healthy
Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.
Unhealthy
One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.
Healthy
Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.
Unhealthy
One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.
Healthy
Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.
Unhealthy
One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.
Healthy
Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.
Unhealthy
You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.
Healthy
Respecting each other's need for privacy.
Unhealthy
You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.
Healthy
Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.
Unhealthy
Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner.
Healthy
Practicing safer sex methods.
Unhealthy
You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.
Healthy
Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.
Unhealthy
Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.
Healthy
Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.
Unhealthy
One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.
Healthy
There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature.
Unhealthy
You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.
How a Healthy relationship looks compared to an Unhealthy one -
Healthy
Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
Unhealthy
You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.
Healthy
Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."
Unhealthy
You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.
Healthy
Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.
Unhealthy
One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.
Healthy
Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.
Unhealthy
One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.
Healthy
Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.
Unhealthy
One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.
Healthy
Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.
Unhealthy
You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.
Healthy
Respecting each other's need for privacy.
Unhealthy
You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.
Healthy
Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.
Unhealthy
Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner.
Healthy
Practicing safer sex methods.
Unhealthy
You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.
Healthy
Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.
Unhealthy
Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.
Healthy
Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.
Unhealthy
One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.
Healthy
There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature.
Unhealthy
You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.
Thoughts on Homosexuality
On this subject I have to go from personal knowledge I have gained through life experience. I have a few gay friends, whom taught me some great lessons about life. When I was younger I struggled with my sexuality, I never really experimented, but definitely questioned my feelings and emotions. I am sure that the copious amount of drugs and alcohol that I abused didn’t help my case any. The fact that I was molested by a neighbor boy when I was in the second grade did not help my case either. I also struggled with many of the stereotypes and opinions of what is considered masculine, such as football, being a logger, not showing emotion, not crying, and what is stereotypically feminine, such as being artistic, liking to shop, or sew, showing emotion, writing poetry. During a time of self discovering I was talking with a gay friend of mine about these things (he is a logger). What I came away from that conversation with is this; It does not matter what your interests are, the only thing that determines whether your heterosexual or homosexual is if you have sexual relations with the same sex.
On a side note another good friend of mine who is gay taught me by example, that it is ok to be who I am and that I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. I realized if this guy, who has obviously struggled with severe discrimination is ok with who he is, why shouldn’t I be ok with who I am.
On a side note another good friend of mine who is gay taught me by example, that it is ok to be who I am and that I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. I realized if this guy, who has obviously struggled with severe discrimination is ok with who he is, why shouldn’t I be ok with who I am.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Setting Boundaries
I think that setting boundaries is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. It doesn’t matter whether it is a platonic, romantic, or family relationship. We are responsible for teaching others what is and what is not ok, and how to and how not to treat us (yes it is your responsibility). That being said, setting boundaries has been one of the most difficult skills that I have had to learn. Here is a website that goes a more in depth on the subject, along with ways to increase your skills. http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Asking for Help
You know the feeling that you get from helping other people and expecting nothing in return? Well if I don't allow other people to help me I am robbing them of that feeling and experience.
I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.
I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.
That being said, I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.
I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.
I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.
That being said, I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Valentines 09 - Its not all about me - Follow UP
"Who says its selfish?
"Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is"
Really?
Why not invest it or just plain save it for your wife and sons future?
Do you really need another bike.... No
Does the wife really need a necklace....No
Will saving your money for future things...College,vacations, etc etc
Be more of an investment..... Yes"
Well I am thankful that I have my priorities in order. I realize that most people in today's day and age do not. How many times have I watched people I know live paycheck to paycheck, spending there last 5$ on a pack of cigarettes or a McDonald's cheese burger. Gratefully I am blessed enough not to live this way.
And yes "Really" where you invest your time and money is where your heart is.
I agree with you that Investing and saving money is very important. Having a college fund for my children is vital, especially since I plan on paying for the first 4 years of school for them. Vacations are also very important. We have been lucky enough to purchase some time share that gives my family about 2 weeks a year, pretty much anywhere in the world. However for me and my family the most important investment I make is my tithes. So with my finances in order and having money that I set aside for toys and things that I enjoy doing, I decided rather than spend it on myself, I would spend it on my wife.
Does she need a necklace? No. But really do any of us "NEED" 90% of the stuff we have? Using that mentality we should live in a one room shack, with only the bare essentials. Gratefully we live in a very wealthy country that affords us many many things that we do not need. We also live in a country where a person such as myself can and did go from being a homeless, hopeless drug addict and alcoholic who couldn't keep a job to becoming the person I am today in a mere 8 years. Today I have an amazing life, a beautiful wife, a precious son, and most of all I love myself today. All of the material possessions are merely icing on the cake, you take all those things away and I am still rich beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I say that I love myself today, because there was a time that I hated the person that i saw in the mirror. I wanted nothing more than to die, but was to chicken to actually kill myself. Through a series of events and people that have come into my life, along with a little (probably alot) of counseling I went from having no self esteem, to having a low self esteem, to having a self esteem, to actually liking myself. Until one day through a lot of hard work I woke up to realize I was no longer the same person I had been.
Is my life perfect today? No, I still deal with life's problems, I still struggle with many of my insecurities. The difference today is that I have tools do deal with my problems productively rather than destructively.
Quite honestly the only difference between me and the guy sitting in prison or the drunk guy sitting on the corner holding a sign that says something along the lines of ....Why lie I need beer...or Hungry please help...is the grace of God.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Valentines 09 - Its not all about me
So I have a tendency to be kinda selfish. I like to spend money on things like motorcycles, cars, trucks, video games, movies, tv's etc etc. Im sure since Ive been married I have spent well over 20k or 30k on stuff I wanted. My wife still gets everything she wants, the only diff is, she doesn't usually want much. Well I have been saving and putting together some money to get a second motorcycle. I have been really wanting a supermoto.
About a month ago I read something that has really been making me think. " Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is."
So I have decided to invest my time and money in my wife and son. I went to our jeweler Panowitz in Olympia and with some help from Susan (who is awesome) I put together a diamond necklace, and in the center of the pendant is Etham's birthstone, a blue tourmaline.
Honestly, I feel really good about spending a couple G's on my wife instead of myself...although I still want that bike lol. She is more beautiful than ever.....I think that quote is true.....
Well I got home Friday from picking up the necklace and my valentines gift was waiting for me on the on the kitchen table. So I just gave her the nicely wrapped box. It was wrapped in a dark brown paper with a purple bow. The first thing she said is...."You didn't wrap this" I was like how do you know that? She said because it has a bow and the tape is on the inside. Made me laugh, cause I am a pretty horrible gift wrapper. Then the jewelry box had a Panowitz sticker on it and she got a big smile. She was very excited, even got watery eyes. Then her next question was how much...I love my wife, but she can be too practical sometimes. I told her that I spent my bike money on it. She really loves it, I don't think she has taken it off. Valentines day we went to dinner at Anthonys in Olympia and had a very nice dinner. All in all it was a great Valentines.
About a month ago I read something that has really been making me think. " Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is."
So I have decided to invest my time and money in my wife and son. I went to our jeweler Panowitz in Olympia and with some help from Susan (who is awesome) I put together a diamond necklace, and in the center of the pendant is Etham's birthstone, a blue tourmaline.
Honestly, I feel really good about spending a couple G's on my wife instead of myself...although I still want that bike lol. She is more beautiful than ever.....I think that quote is true.....
Well I got home Friday from picking up the necklace and my valentines gift was waiting for me on the on the kitchen table. So I just gave her the nicely wrapped box. It was wrapped in a dark brown paper with a purple bow. The first thing she said is...."You didn't wrap this" I was like how do you know that? She said because it has a bow and the tape is on the inside. Made me laugh, cause I am a pretty horrible gift wrapper. Then the jewelry box had a Panowitz sticker on it and she got a big smile. She was very excited, even got watery eyes. Then her next question was how much...I love my wife, but she can be too practical sometimes. I told her that I spent my bike money on it. She really loves it, I don't think she has taken it off. Valentines day we went to dinner at Anthonys in Olympia and had a very nice dinner. All in all it was a great Valentines.
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