Mi Hijo

The way he looks up at me and smiles. My son see’s me come into the room and his facial expressions light up. He smiles, his eyes get big. A sense of overwhelming joy and emotion flood through me. I just want to hold him, god it is going to be so difficult to have to displine him, but I know without a doubt that it is vital to his success. Each day I gain a better understanding of why people say that they miss this stage of a childs life. I love it when he smiles so big that his eyes are squished closed by his little round cheeks. His laughter , not even fully developed is such an amazing thing. I watch him sleep. So peacefull, arms flung out above his head. He even smiles in his sleep sometimes, I wonder what he is dreaming about.

He is trying to crawl, and hasn’t quite figured out how to lift both his hind and front end at the same time. I want to help him, I want to do it for him, but I know this will only hinder his development. So I sit and watch as he lifts his butt into the air, while planting his chest and face into the carpet. I try not to laugh to much at the quite humorous sight. He begins getting frustrated that he is not getting anywhere and just rolls to his back. Smiles at me and then goes back to attempting this new feat.

He loves music, or maybe it is more that we love music and he has no choice but to listen. A good beat comes on and he begins bobbing his head. He will sit and stair for hours as I bang away on the drums, or strum out a tune on my guitar. I wonder if he remembers the songs I sang for him in his mothers womb. Those days I would sit and play my 6 string, while freestyling lyrics about the surprise that was growing within.

Who would have thought that just a few months later a blue eyed baby boy would be born into the world 8lbs 8oz, 21 inches long. With dark brown hair and blue eyes. I blink and he is five an a half months old now, his eyes are still blue as can be, we are hoping they stay that way. I will do what ever I can to protect his innocense, and give him the chance that was stolen away from me to enjoy being a child. Today I get to be the father that I always wished I had, an chance to be the father I always wanted for me.

Asking for Help

You know the feeling that you get from helping other people and expecting nothing in return? Well if I don't allow other people to help me I am robbing them of that feeling and experience.

I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.

I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.

That being said, I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.