Do you remember when we were kids
And sin was somethin’ we didn’t believe in
We were invincible and life was never gonna end
Punk Rock
Skate boards
Sex and beer
It was the simple life then
Unaware the end was so near
Fear hah
What a joke
Sit back take another toke
Reality has yet to set in
No jobs
No responsibility
No children
Just young love, life and friends
Immaturity
Purity
The illusion of security
But it was bound to change
Things would never again be the same
Shame, gain
Growth through pain
With the realization that I’m meant to live
I’m gonna make it out of adolescence alive
All of sudden life comes into view
A slap in the face
There’s no going back
I close my eyes and step into the black
When I open them again
Everything’s changed
You’ve got kids
I’ve got a ring
You’re an emotional wreck
But somehow I’ve found sanity
What happen to love
What happen to the sense of innocence
If you had it to do all over again
Would you change a thing
Would you do it the same
It doesn’t matter
Cause it can’t be taken back
I have to pick up the world and try to carry it on my back
Conditional hate, unconditional love
I am here for you until my very last breath
Forward, forward till we meet the sweet kiss of death.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Isolation
Sometimes people grow up
And they are forced to leave behind
The ones that they thought would be by their side
Till the end of time
Is friendship relative
What happens when life becomes real
When you learn that happiness
Is not something that you can steal
You won't find your life at the bottom of a bottle
You can't smoke your way in to love
There's no way to intravenously inject pure love
Temporary at best
What hurt yesterday
Hurts worse, no matter how hard you try to forget
Living a myspace life
Superficial plight
Pictures of people I call my friends
My children
Choices change
Going insane
And the thought that some pot might keep me sane
Is crazier than drinkin' gasoline
A moment's reprieve
Can cause a life of regret
But don't forget that there is always hope
Until you take your last breath
You can escape the fake
And suffer with the rest of us
We who have chosen to take the pain and strife
In strides and navigate this life
This ocean of uncertainty
Taking my licks as they come
Surrounding myself with people
So alone, I do not face this evil
Reaching out, asking for help
Too weak to be ashamed
And too strong to claim
— that I could make it on my own
And they are forced to leave behind
The ones that they thought would be by their side
Till the end of time
Is friendship relative
What happens when life becomes real
When you learn that happiness
Is not something that you can steal
You won't find your life at the bottom of a bottle
You can't smoke your way in to love
There's no way to intravenously inject pure love
Temporary at best
What hurt yesterday
Hurts worse, no matter how hard you try to forget
Living a myspace life
Superficial plight
Pictures of people I call my friends
My children
Choices change
Going insane
And the thought that some pot might keep me sane
Is crazier than drinkin' gasoline
A moment's reprieve
Can cause a life of regret
But don't forget that there is always hope
Until you take your last breath
You can escape the fake
And suffer with the rest of us
We who have chosen to take the pain and strife
In strides and navigate this life
This ocean of uncertainty
Taking my licks as they come
Surrounding myself with people
So alone, I do not face this evil
Reaching out, asking for help
Too weak to be ashamed
And too strong to claim
— that I could make it on my own
Saturday, April 11, 2009
To Kevin Vicary
I awoke this morning with the name of an old friend upon my lips, Kevin Vicary. I grabbed my handheld pc and like I always do when I need info on something I typed his name in to the Google search bar. I was shocked and saddened to see that he was killed almost exactly one year ago 4/15/08 in a freak accident where a semi lost control, slammed through a fence and into Kevin Vicary's swimming pool. According to the news story he had taken the day off from work to spend time with his family, he was cleaning the pool when the semi came crashing into his yard, knocking him into the pool and barely missing his 2 year old child. http://elcajonfire.com/archives/2008/04/collision_force.php
I am so sorry for Izabel, the twins, their youngest, and all of Kevin's family and friends. I know there is a hole left that can never be filled.
I met Kevin in 1998, when I was 19. He was a coworker and family friend of a woman's family that I was dating. I remember looking up to him, he was smart, funny, and handsome. He had the most beautiful wife. He had opened a business in the small town of Cortez, Colorado, the business was three fold, a Furniture store, a Paint and sundry store, and down stairs was Kevin's passion a dive shop. I spent some time working at the same Casino as Kevin and his mother Karla on the Ute Indian Reservation.
Through a series of somewhat crazy (mostly the insanity of my addiction) events, I ended up working for Kevin in his store. I helped with delivery's of the furniture side of the business. I did inventory and sales for the paint business, and just tried to stay out of the way when it came to the dive shop. Kevin was always kind and honest with me. I honestly think that he saw something in me that other did not, that I did not. On one occasion I remember having to do a delivery out of state, into Arizona, it was a few hundred mile trip and I remember getting lost (which I was really good at) I had finally gotten the delivery taken care of and was on my way back when the box truck broke down. I found a payphone and called Kevin. A couple hours later he showed up and was never mean, angry, or disrespectful towards me.
I was going through such a difficult time in my life. I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship, I was sinking deeper into alcoholism and drug addiction. I was on a emotional roller coaster, completely unable to see anything past myself and my wants, needs, hurts, etc. I don't remember how long I worked for Kevin and Isabel, but at some point in my time with them, I had no place to live and Kevin let me stay in the basement of the furniture store. To be honest, it was cold, dark, and very lonely. I know now that he went out on a limb, and that if it wasn't for Kevin's huge heart, I'm not sure where I would have slept. Instead of showing him gratitude or respect, I abused his gift, and took advantage of his big heart. I had people in the store, that should not have been there. On one occasion I brought a group of people in the shop so we could have a place to drink. I think that was pretty much the last straw for Kevin, and he told me I could no longer stay in building. I could not blame him at all. For a short time after that I continued working (if you could call it that) for Kevin. Honestly though, I was getting so lost in my own insanity and addictions that I was pretty much useless to myself and anyone else. I was much closer to hitting my bottom than even I knew. Around this time I remember having what would be my last conversation with Kevin. Even after all I had done, he was still kind towards me. Our conversation has stayed with me and been on my heart since that day. he said "Chato, make something of your life, go back to school, get an education, I know you can do it." I think that they gave me some money that day, and I wrote them a pretty much worthless promissory note that I would send them some money the following year. I'm pretty sure Izabel was happy to do what ever she could to get me out of their lives. Again I don't blame her, I was toxic to myself and everyone I came into contact with.
A few weeks later I left Colorado, moving back to Washington State. It took about 2 more years for me to reach my bottom, to reach that jumping off place. Through a series of events I ended up in a drug and alcohol treatment program. I was 23 years old and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I couldn't keep a job, I didn't have a steady place to live. I was doing anything I could to not feel or have to deal with the reality that was my pitiful existence. Thankfully God had other plans for me. I found sobriety, I found sanity, I found an amazingly gracious and forgiving God. Through my first years of being sober I thought of Kevin Vicary often, and the words that he spoke into my life. I went to a technical school and received a certificate in business and computer administration. I then joined a local community college and began perusing a degree. At about three years sober, while on a business trip in Canada, I met a very beautiful young woman, her name Angela Bear. I knew from our very first conversation she was the kind of woman I could marry. Two years later we were married, I had a great career and was finishing my Degree in Business Management. The following summer we decided to take a road trip to visit my family in New Mexico. On our way there we stopped in the small town of Cortez, Colorado to see my uncle and grandfather. Kevin was still on my heart and I wanted to thank him and make amends to him for the way I had treated him. I walked over to the restaurant that was owned by his father Bill. The woman working told me that Bill was out of town and that Kevin and his family had moved to San Diego. I left my phone number and asked her to pass it on. I didn't expect to hear from him, why would he call me after the way I treated them.
School, marriage, career, life, sobriety, and time passed as it always does. In February of 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our first, a son. He arrived in October, a handsome little man. Time passed, I have been clean and sober almost 8 years, I have a college degree, a home, and a wonderful family. I awoke this morning with Kevin Vicary's name on my lips.
Thank you so much Kevin, thank you for believing in me, thank you for looking after me, thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being you. Heaven is a better place for having you. My prayers, thoughts, tears, and hope go out to your family and loved ones. May God show you the same grace, mercy, and hope that Kevin showed me.
Anyone who would like to donate to the Kevin Vicary family memorial fund can do so at any First Pacific Bank of California:
*Please send checks made out to:
"Kevin Vicary Family Memorial Fund"
First Pacific Bank of California
343 East Main Street
El Cajon, 92020
I am so sorry for Izabel, the twins, their youngest, and all of Kevin's family and friends. I know there is a hole left that can never be filled.
I met Kevin in 1998, when I was 19. He was a coworker and family friend of a woman's family that I was dating. I remember looking up to him, he was smart, funny, and handsome. He had the most beautiful wife. He had opened a business in the small town of Cortez, Colorado, the business was three fold, a Furniture store, a Paint and sundry store, and down stairs was Kevin's passion a dive shop. I spent some time working at the same Casino as Kevin and his mother Karla on the Ute Indian Reservation.
Through a series of somewhat crazy (mostly the insanity of my addiction) events, I ended up working for Kevin in his store. I helped with delivery's of the furniture side of the business. I did inventory and sales for the paint business, and just tried to stay out of the way when it came to the dive shop. Kevin was always kind and honest with me. I honestly think that he saw something in me that other did not, that I did not. On one occasion I remember having to do a delivery out of state, into Arizona, it was a few hundred mile trip and I remember getting lost (which I was really good at) I had finally gotten the delivery taken care of and was on my way back when the box truck broke down. I found a payphone and called Kevin. A couple hours later he showed up and was never mean, angry, or disrespectful towards me.
I was going through such a difficult time in my life. I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship, I was sinking deeper into alcoholism and drug addiction. I was on a emotional roller coaster, completely unable to see anything past myself and my wants, needs, hurts, etc. I don't remember how long I worked for Kevin and Isabel, but at some point in my time with them, I had no place to live and Kevin let me stay in the basement of the furniture store. To be honest, it was cold, dark, and very lonely. I know now that he went out on a limb, and that if it wasn't for Kevin's huge heart, I'm not sure where I would have slept. Instead of showing him gratitude or respect, I abused his gift, and took advantage of his big heart. I had people in the store, that should not have been there. On one occasion I brought a group of people in the shop so we could have a place to drink. I think that was pretty much the last straw for Kevin, and he told me I could no longer stay in building. I could not blame him at all. For a short time after that I continued working (if you could call it that) for Kevin. Honestly though, I was getting so lost in my own insanity and addictions that I was pretty much useless to myself and anyone else. I was much closer to hitting my bottom than even I knew. Around this time I remember having what would be my last conversation with Kevin. Even after all I had done, he was still kind towards me. Our conversation has stayed with me and been on my heart since that day. he said "Chato, make something of your life, go back to school, get an education, I know you can do it." I think that they gave me some money that day, and I wrote them a pretty much worthless promissory note that I would send them some money the following year. I'm pretty sure Izabel was happy to do what ever she could to get me out of their lives. Again I don't blame her, I was toxic to myself and everyone I came into contact with.
A few weeks later I left Colorado, moving back to Washington State. It took about 2 more years for me to reach my bottom, to reach that jumping off place. Through a series of events I ended up in a drug and alcohol treatment program. I was 23 years old and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I couldn't keep a job, I didn't have a steady place to live. I was doing anything I could to not feel or have to deal with the reality that was my pitiful existence. Thankfully God had other plans for me. I found sobriety, I found sanity, I found an amazingly gracious and forgiving God. Through my first years of being sober I thought of Kevin Vicary often, and the words that he spoke into my life. I went to a technical school and received a certificate in business and computer administration. I then joined a local community college and began perusing a degree. At about three years sober, while on a business trip in Canada, I met a very beautiful young woman, her name Angela Bear. I knew from our very first conversation she was the kind of woman I could marry. Two years later we were married, I had a great career and was finishing my Degree in Business Management. The following summer we decided to take a road trip to visit my family in New Mexico. On our way there we stopped in the small town of Cortez, Colorado to see my uncle and grandfather. Kevin was still on my heart and I wanted to thank him and make amends to him for the way I had treated him. I walked over to the restaurant that was owned by his father Bill. The woman working told me that Bill was out of town and that Kevin and his family had moved to San Diego. I left my phone number and asked her to pass it on. I didn't expect to hear from him, why would he call me after the way I treated them.
School, marriage, career, life, sobriety, and time passed as it always does. In February of 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our first, a son. He arrived in October, a handsome little man. Time passed, I have been clean and sober almost 8 years, I have a college degree, a home, and a wonderful family. I awoke this morning with Kevin Vicary's name on my lips.
Thank you so much Kevin, thank you for believing in me, thank you for looking after me, thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being you. Heaven is a better place for having you. My prayers, thoughts, tears, and hope go out to your family and loved ones. May God show you the same grace, mercy, and hope that Kevin showed me.
Anyone who would like to donate to the Kevin Vicary family memorial fund can do so at any First Pacific Bank of California:
*Please send checks made out to:
"Kevin Vicary Family Memorial Fund"
First Pacific Bank of California
343 East Main Street
El Cajon, 92020
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Donald Where's your Trouser
Donald, Where's Yer Trousers?
Just got in from the Isle of Skye
I'm not very big and I'm awfully shy
The ladies shout as I go by
Donald where's your trousers?
Chorus:
Let the winds blow high,
Let the winds blow low,
Down the street in my kilt I go
And all the ladies say hello
Donald where's your trousers?
A lady took me to a ball
And it was slippery in the hall
I was afraid that I would fall
'Cause I didn't have on my trousers
Chorus:
They'd like to wed me everyone
Just let them catch me if they can
You canna put the brakes on a highland man
Who doesn't like wearing trousers.
Chorus:
To wear the kilt is my delight,
It isn't wrong, I know it's right.
The highlanders would get afright
If they saw me in my trousers.
Chorus:
Well I caught a cold and me nose was raw
I had no handkerchief at all
So I hiked up my kilt and I gave it a blow,
Now you can't do that with trousers.
Chorus:
Just got in from the Isle of Skye
I'm not very big and I'm awfully shy
The ladies shout as I go by
Donald where's your trousers?
Chorus:
Let the winds blow high,
Let the winds blow low,
Down the street in my kilt I go
And all the ladies say hello
Donald where's your trousers?
A lady took me to a ball
And it was slippery in the hall
I was afraid that I would fall
'Cause I didn't have on my trousers
Chorus:
They'd like to wed me everyone
Just let them catch me if they can
You canna put the brakes on a highland man
Who doesn't like wearing trousers.
Chorus:
To wear the kilt is my delight,
It isn't wrong, I know it's right.
The highlanders would get afright
If they saw me in my trousers.
Chorus:
Well I caught a cold and me nose was raw
I had no handkerchief at all
So I hiked up my kilt and I gave it a blow,
Now you can't do that with trousers.
Chorus:
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