I have long held to the idea that women have many subtle signs when it comes to flirtatious behavior. Many times I would blow off what I thought was flirty behavior – reminding myself that I can tend to be arrogant and slightly self absorbed. Well according to this article by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen The 10 Signs of Flirting it looks as though it was not just my ego, my suspicions were actually spot on.
Let’s just say that it is probably a good thing that I learned this 6 years into a very happy and healthy relationship. Who knows how many more broken hearts and dead end relationships I would have suffered through, had I known then what I know now.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Randomness
Wow, I can't believe that it has been almost 4 months since I have posted on here. Summers are always crazy busy for me and my family. We seem to be traveling none stop, with get-togethers, birthdays, weddings, and camping all summer long.
I feel like I have matured a lot this summer and I am developing an even deeper self awareness. I'm sure having a child helps to engage that process more fully. Every day is so exciting and such a learning experience. It is amazing how fast they change and how bright little ones are. Just the other day he figured out how to throw objects. Unfortunately for me he decided to practice throwing things into the toilet..... Didn't exactly plan on spending the evening pulling out the toilet and attempting to remove foreign objects from within it depths.
We did get to spend some time with our God-daughter Chloe. She is adorable and Etham wanted to love on her, although he tends to do a cross between pounding and clawing, with a few kisses in between.
Feels good to write. Hopefully I will post again soon. Oh ya and I know I need a hair cut...lol
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Being a parent is a pretty amazing experience, I am learning things about myself everyday. Yesterday I had to take my son to the Dr. They think he has pink eye. I'm not one to over react when it comes to things like this, its not life threatening, but It is the first in what I am sure will be a number of sicknesses he will get. I am grateful for every moment I get to spend with my precious boy. We are taking him for his first camping trip this weekend. Both my wife and I enjoy camping, so he is going to have to get used to it sooner or later. It will be interesting to see how he does, my biggest concern is the 3-4 hour car ride. He does love being outside, so I am sure he will have fun. Did I mention that we are tent camping. lol. Well I will follow up with some pics and highlights next week. Other than that, take care, have a safe and fun weekend.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Is Love a choice
Feelings are not the end all be all. Feelings serve a purpose, yes. There is a reason however that we have the capability to feel one thing but can choose to do another. Just to be clear, everything is a choice – everything, and by not making a choice, we make a choice.
Any pre-marital book you read, and any relationship counselor you talk to will tell you that the “In-love” feeling will eventually go away. If you go into a relationship with the idea that you will always feel the way you felt in the beginning of a new relationship, you will ALWAYS be let down. Then you will decide you're not in love with the person and most likely move on. Being “In-Love” serves a very real biological purpose, think about how the process works for a second, it is directly related to our need to procreate. Not only will the “In-Love” feeling go away, but your love will change. I love my wife differently today than I did even 1 year ago. I actually love her more today (5 years later) than I ever have. It is not superficial, it is not like it was in the beginning when I was too “In-love” with her to see her defects, and I was excited in getting to know her. We (my wife and I) made a choice to grow in our relationship and friendship. We understood that at somepoint we would have to learn to truly love each other and we have. We have had to work through the tough times, the frustraiting times. We have both made the choice to work on our relationship no matter what and that divorce is not an option. That being said we have also made the commitment to not step outside the marriage, no matter what our feelings might tell us. It is seriously unrealistic to think that you will never be attracted to another person in your life, because you are married to the one you love. The difference is what you do with that attraction or those feelings.
This is a little parable that does a great job of describing our choice over feelings -
Choosing empowerment and positivity, or negativity and unhappiness, is a decision that you're making every day, whether you realize it or not.
Native American culture tells the story of a man who explains his own constant struggle between positive, empowering, creative impulses and negative and self-destructive ones by telling his son that he has two wolves fighting in his heart -- a good wolf and a bad one. The boy asks him which of the two will win the battle. The father replies, "Whichever one I feed."
It's very true. The feelings that we nurture and return to, time after time, are the ones which come to dominate our thoughts and actions, while the ones we turn away from fade away.
The exciting thing is, we have a choice. Although the two wolves both exist, we can choose which one of them we want to feed. That means, we choose which one will win.
You probably know people who feel sorry for themselves, who belittle others, who seem to get some kind of pleasure out of feeling miserable, who portray themselves as victims and reject the affections of anyone who doesn't offer constant sympathy. Often it seems to everybody but themselves that they actually have a whole lot going for them, but they're apt to be defensive if anyone should ever dare to point that out!
That's a classic example of what happens when you feed the bad wolf. You don't satisfy an appetite for any kind of feeling when you feed it - you only make it stronger. If you indulge negative feelings about yourself or other people, you strengthen them until they're very hard indeed to break away from.
The other side of the coin's what happens when you feed the GOOD wolf. If you know people who always seem to get a real kick out of life, who laugh a lot, have lots of friends and interests, and light up the room with energy and sparkle, who succeed in everything they turn their hand to and who always seem to have a lot of fun, you don't need ask which wolf THEY'RE feeding.
Choosing Empowerment And Positivity - Feeding The GOOD Wolf by Aislinn O'Connor Supreme Success
Any pre-marital book you read, and any relationship counselor you talk to will tell you that the “In-love” feeling will eventually go away. If you go into a relationship with the idea that you will always feel the way you felt in the beginning of a new relationship, you will ALWAYS be let down. Then you will decide you're not in love with the person and most likely move on. Being “In-Love” serves a very real biological purpose, think about how the process works for a second, it is directly related to our need to procreate. Not only will the “In-Love” feeling go away, but your love will change. I love my wife differently today than I did even 1 year ago. I actually love her more today (5 years later) than I ever have. It is not superficial, it is not like it was in the beginning when I was too “In-love” with her to see her defects, and I was excited in getting to know her. We (my wife and I) made a choice to grow in our relationship and friendship. We understood that at somepoint we would have to learn to truly love each other and we have. We have had to work through the tough times, the frustraiting times. We have both made the choice to work on our relationship no matter what and that divorce is not an option. That being said we have also made the commitment to not step outside the marriage, no matter what our feelings might tell us. It is seriously unrealistic to think that you will never be attracted to another person in your life, because you are married to the one you love. The difference is what you do with that attraction or those feelings.
This is a little parable that does a great job of describing our choice over feelings -
Choosing empowerment and positivity, or negativity and unhappiness, is a decision that you're making every day, whether you realize it or not.
Native American culture tells the story of a man who explains his own constant struggle between positive, empowering, creative impulses and negative and self-destructive ones by telling his son that he has two wolves fighting in his heart -- a good wolf and a bad one. The boy asks him which of the two will win the battle. The father replies, "Whichever one I feed."
It's very true. The feelings that we nurture and return to, time after time, are the ones which come to dominate our thoughts and actions, while the ones we turn away from fade away.
The exciting thing is, we have a choice. Although the two wolves both exist, we can choose which one of them we want to feed. That means, we choose which one will win.
You probably know people who feel sorry for themselves, who belittle others, who seem to get some kind of pleasure out of feeling miserable, who portray themselves as victims and reject the affections of anyone who doesn't offer constant sympathy. Often it seems to everybody but themselves that they actually have a whole lot going for them, but they're apt to be defensive if anyone should ever dare to point that out!
That's a classic example of what happens when you feed the bad wolf. You don't satisfy an appetite for any kind of feeling when you feed it - you only make it stronger. If you indulge negative feelings about yourself or other people, you strengthen them until they're very hard indeed to break away from.
The other side of the coin's what happens when you feed the GOOD wolf. If you know people who always seem to get a real kick out of life, who laugh a lot, have lots of friends and interests, and light up the room with energy and sparkle, who succeed in everything they turn their hand to and who always seem to have a lot of fun, you don't need ask which wolf THEY'RE feeding.
Choosing Empowerment And Positivity - Feeding The GOOD Wolf by Aislinn O'Connor Supreme Success
Forgiveness
The thing about resentment is that it hurts the person that holds on to it more than anyone else. Its liking being angry at someone and then drinking poison to get back at them. Forgiveness is a huge key to being content and finding happiness in this life.
Forgiving someone is not saying what they did was right or ok. Forgiving someone is not condoning their actions.
Forgiving someone is releasing the power, bond or hold that that person or their actions have over your life.
I have had to forgive some people for some pretty horrific things that were done to me. I am in no way saying this is easy or that there is not a process one must go through, but having gone through it I can attest to the fact that I have never felt as free or as comfortable in my own skin until I was able to truly forgive them.
I can really relate to what you are saying. I don't feel this is the proper place to go into the details, but I have been able to forgive people for the cruelest things a person can do to a child.
I know that at some point living with the hurt becomes normal and almost a fuel or a catalyst for certain areas, for instance I had step dad that told me I was a worthless piece of shit every day he was in my life and that I would never succeed in anything, and I would never even graduate highschool. That motivated me to prove him wrong, I do have a high school diploma, and I just graduated from college (@ 30, but still have my degree). Now that was fine and all, except the fact that as long as I held on to that resentment, I still felt deep down inside that I was that piece of shit, no matter what I accomplished.
The bottom line is until you truly forgive that person it will eat you from the inside. You can try and mask it with a happy face, a career, alcohol, sex, what every you choose, but it is always their when your home alone in that quiet place and the alcohol is warn off and the girl is gone.
Also I didn't want to have the baggage to carry into my marriage and take out on my wife or children, I wanted to deal with it the best I could so I don't make the same mistakes. There is a saying that unfortunately many times is true - "We become the things we hate"
Forgiving someone is not saying what they did was right or ok. Forgiving someone is not condoning their actions.
Forgiving someone is releasing the power, bond or hold that that person or their actions have over your life.
I have had to forgive some people for some pretty horrific things that were done to me. I am in no way saying this is easy or that there is not a process one must go through, but having gone through it I can attest to the fact that I have never felt as free or as comfortable in my own skin until I was able to truly forgive them.
"What if you have no desire to forgive them? That living with the turmoil and disgust of the situation at hand is far better then releasing that hold that they have on you?"
I can really relate to what you are saying. I don't feel this is the proper place to go into the details, but I have been able to forgive people for the cruelest things a person can do to a child.
I know that at some point living with the hurt becomes normal and almost a fuel or a catalyst for certain areas, for instance I had step dad that told me I was a worthless piece of shit every day he was in my life and that I would never succeed in anything, and I would never even graduate highschool. That motivated me to prove him wrong, I do have a high school diploma, and I just graduated from college (@ 30, but still have my degree). Now that was fine and all, except the fact that as long as I held on to that resentment, I still felt deep down inside that I was that piece of shit, no matter what I accomplished.
The bottom line is until you truly forgive that person it will eat you from the inside. You can try and mask it with a happy face, a career, alcohol, sex, what every you choose, but it is always their when your home alone in that quiet place and the alcohol is warn off and the girl is gone.
Also I didn't want to have the baggage to carry into my marriage and take out on my wife or children, I wanted to deal with it the best I could so I don't make the same mistakes. There is a saying that unfortunately many times is true - "We become the things we hate"
Healthy vs Unhealthy Relationships
I found this on the following website - http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/youth/health/relationships/healthy.htm
How a Healthy relationship looks compared to an Unhealthy one -
Healthy
Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
Unhealthy
You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.
Healthy
Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."
Unhealthy
You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.
Healthy
Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.
Unhealthy
One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.
Healthy
Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.
Unhealthy
One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.
Healthy
Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.
Unhealthy
One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.
Healthy
Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.
Unhealthy
You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.
Healthy
Respecting each other's need for privacy.
Unhealthy
You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.
Healthy
Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.
Unhealthy
Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner.
Healthy
Practicing safer sex methods.
Unhealthy
You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.
Healthy
Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.
Unhealthy
Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.
Healthy
Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.
Unhealthy
One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.
Healthy
There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature.
Unhealthy
You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.
How a Healthy relationship looks compared to an Unhealthy one -
Healthy
Loving and taking care of yourself, before and while in a relationship.
Unhealthy
You care for and focus on another person only and neglect yourself or you focus only on yourself and neglect the other person.
Healthy
Respecting individuality, embracing differences, and allowing each person to "be themselves."
Unhealthy
You feel pressure to change to meet the other person's standards, you are afraid to disagree, and your ideas or criticized. Or, you pressure the other person to meet your standards and criticize his/her ideas.
Healthy
Doing things with friends and family and having activities independent of each other.
Unhealthy
One of you has to justify what you do, where you go, and who you see.
Healthy
Discussing things, allowing for differences of opinion, and compromising equally.
Unhealthy
One of you makes all the decisions and controls everything without listening to the other's input.
Healthy
Expressing and listening to each other's feelings, needs, and desires.
Unhealthy
One of you feels unheard and is unable to communicate what you want.
Healthy
Trusting and being honest with yourself and each other.
Unhealthy
You lie to each other and find yourself making excuses for the other person.
Healthy
Respecting each other's need for privacy.
Unhealthy
You don't have any personal space and have to share everything with the other person.
Healthy
Sharing sexual histories and sexual health status with a partner.
Unhealthy
Your partner keeps his/her sexual history a secret or hides a sexually transmitted infection from you or you do not disclose your history to your partner.
Healthy
Practicing safer sex methods.
Unhealthy
You feel scared of asking your partner to use protection or s/he has refused your requests for safer sex. Or, you refuse to use safer sex methods after your partner has requested or you make your partner feel scared.
Healthy
Respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex.
Unhealthy
Your partner has forced you to have sex or you have had sex when you don't really want to. Or, you have forced or coerced your partner to have sex.
Healthy
Resolving conflicts in a rational peaceful, and mutually agreed upon way.
Unhealthy
One or both of you yells and hits, shoves or throws things at the other in an argument.
Healthy
There is room for positive growth and you learn more about each other as you develop and mature.
Unhealthy
You feel stifled, trapped, and stagnant. You are unable to escape the pressures of the relationship.
Thoughts on Homosexuality
On this subject I have to go from personal knowledge I have gained through life experience. I have a few gay friends, whom taught me some great lessons about life. When I was younger I struggled with my sexuality, I never really experimented, but definitely questioned my feelings and emotions. I am sure that the copious amount of drugs and alcohol that I abused didn’t help my case any. The fact that I was molested by a neighbor boy when I was in the second grade did not help my case either. I also struggled with many of the stereotypes and opinions of what is considered masculine, such as football, being a logger, not showing emotion, not crying, and what is stereotypically feminine, such as being artistic, liking to shop, or sew, showing emotion, writing poetry. During a time of self discovering I was talking with a gay friend of mine about these things (he is a logger). What I came away from that conversation with is this; It does not matter what your interests are, the only thing that determines whether your heterosexual or homosexual is if you have sexual relations with the same sex.
On a side note another good friend of mine who is gay taught me by example, that it is ok to be who I am and that I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. I realized if this guy, who has obviously struggled with severe discrimination is ok with who he is, why shouldn’t I be ok with who I am.
On a side note another good friend of mine who is gay taught me by example, that it is ok to be who I am and that I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. I realized if this guy, who has obviously struggled with severe discrimination is ok with who he is, why shouldn’t I be ok with who I am.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Setting Boundaries
I think that setting boundaries is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. It doesn’t matter whether it is a platonic, romantic, or family relationship. We are responsible for teaching others what is and what is not ok, and how to and how not to treat us (yes it is your responsibility). That being said, setting boundaries has been one of the most difficult skills that I have had to learn. Here is a website that goes a more in depth on the subject, along with ways to increase your skills. http://www.joy2meu.com/Personal_Boundaries.htm
Monday, April 13, 2009
My Best Friend
Do you remember when we were kids
And sin was somethin’ we didn’t believe in
We were invincible and life was never gonna end
Punk Rock
Skate boards
Sex and beer
It was the simple life then
Unaware the end was so near
Fear hah
What a joke
Sit back take another toke
Reality has yet to set in
No jobs
No responsibility
No children
Just young love, life and friends
Immaturity
Purity
The illusion of security
But it was bound to change
Things would never again be the same
Shame, gain
Growth through pain
With the realization that I’m meant to live
I’m gonna make it out of adolescence alive
All of sudden life comes into view
A slap in the face
There’s no going back
I close my eyes and step into the black
When I open them again
Everything’s changed
You’ve got kids
I’ve got a ring
You’re an emotional wreck
But somehow I’ve found sanity
What happen to love
What happen to the sense of innocence
If you had it to do all over again
Would you change a thing
Would you do it the same
It doesn’t matter
Cause it can’t be taken back
I have to pick up the world and try to carry it on my back
Conditional hate, unconditional love
I am here for you until my very last breath
Forward, forward till we meet the sweet kiss of death.
And sin was somethin’ we didn’t believe in
We were invincible and life was never gonna end
Punk Rock
Skate boards
Sex and beer
It was the simple life then
Unaware the end was so near
Fear hah
What a joke
Sit back take another toke
Reality has yet to set in
No jobs
No responsibility
No children
Just young love, life and friends
Immaturity
Purity
The illusion of security
But it was bound to change
Things would never again be the same
Shame, gain
Growth through pain
With the realization that I’m meant to live
I’m gonna make it out of adolescence alive
All of sudden life comes into view
A slap in the face
There’s no going back
I close my eyes and step into the black
When I open them again
Everything’s changed
You’ve got kids
I’ve got a ring
You’re an emotional wreck
But somehow I’ve found sanity
What happen to love
What happen to the sense of innocence
If you had it to do all over again
Would you change a thing
Would you do it the same
It doesn’t matter
Cause it can’t be taken back
I have to pick up the world and try to carry it on my back
Conditional hate, unconditional love
I am here for you until my very last breath
Forward, forward till we meet the sweet kiss of death.
Isolation
Sometimes people grow up
And they are forced to leave behind
The ones that they thought would be by their side
Till the end of time
Is friendship relative
What happens when life becomes real
When you learn that happiness
Is not something that you can steal
You won't find your life at the bottom of a bottle
You can't smoke your way in to love
There's no way to intravenously inject pure love
Temporary at best
What hurt yesterday
Hurts worse, no matter how hard you try to forget
Living a myspace life
Superficial plight
Pictures of people I call my friends
My children
Choices change
Going insane
And the thought that some pot might keep me sane
Is crazier than drinkin' gasoline
A moment's reprieve
Can cause a life of regret
But don't forget that there is always hope
Until you take your last breath
You can escape the fake
And suffer with the rest of us
We who have chosen to take the pain and strife
In strides and navigate this life
This ocean of uncertainty
Taking my licks as they come
Surrounding myself with people
So alone, I do not face this evil
Reaching out, asking for help
Too weak to be ashamed
And too strong to claim
— that I could make it on my own
And they are forced to leave behind
The ones that they thought would be by their side
Till the end of time
Is friendship relative
What happens when life becomes real
When you learn that happiness
Is not something that you can steal
You won't find your life at the bottom of a bottle
You can't smoke your way in to love
There's no way to intravenously inject pure love
Temporary at best
What hurt yesterday
Hurts worse, no matter how hard you try to forget
Living a myspace life
Superficial plight
Pictures of people I call my friends
My children
Choices change
Going insane
And the thought that some pot might keep me sane
Is crazier than drinkin' gasoline
A moment's reprieve
Can cause a life of regret
But don't forget that there is always hope
Until you take your last breath
You can escape the fake
And suffer with the rest of us
We who have chosen to take the pain and strife
In strides and navigate this life
This ocean of uncertainty
Taking my licks as they come
Surrounding myself with people
So alone, I do not face this evil
Reaching out, asking for help
Too weak to be ashamed
And too strong to claim
— that I could make it on my own
Saturday, April 11, 2009
To Kevin Vicary
I awoke this morning with the name of an old friend upon my lips, Kevin Vicary. I grabbed my handheld pc and like I always do when I need info on something I typed his name in to the Google search bar. I was shocked and saddened to see that he was killed almost exactly one year ago 4/15/08 in a freak accident where a semi lost control, slammed through a fence and into Kevin Vicary's swimming pool. According to the news story he had taken the day off from work to spend time with his family, he was cleaning the pool when the semi came crashing into his yard, knocking him into the pool and barely missing his 2 year old child. http://elcajonfire.com/archives/2008/04/collision_force.php
I am so sorry for Izabel, the twins, their youngest, and all of Kevin's family and friends. I know there is a hole left that can never be filled.
I met Kevin in 1998, when I was 19. He was a coworker and family friend of a woman's family that I was dating. I remember looking up to him, he was smart, funny, and handsome. He had the most beautiful wife. He had opened a business in the small town of Cortez, Colorado, the business was three fold, a Furniture store, a Paint and sundry store, and down stairs was Kevin's passion a dive shop. I spent some time working at the same Casino as Kevin and his mother Karla on the Ute Indian Reservation.
Through a series of somewhat crazy (mostly the insanity of my addiction) events, I ended up working for Kevin in his store. I helped with delivery's of the furniture side of the business. I did inventory and sales for the paint business, and just tried to stay out of the way when it came to the dive shop. Kevin was always kind and honest with me. I honestly think that he saw something in me that other did not, that I did not. On one occasion I remember having to do a delivery out of state, into Arizona, it was a few hundred mile trip and I remember getting lost (which I was really good at) I had finally gotten the delivery taken care of and was on my way back when the box truck broke down. I found a payphone and called Kevin. A couple hours later he showed up and was never mean, angry, or disrespectful towards me.
I was going through such a difficult time in my life. I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship, I was sinking deeper into alcoholism and drug addiction. I was on a emotional roller coaster, completely unable to see anything past myself and my wants, needs, hurts, etc. I don't remember how long I worked for Kevin and Isabel, but at some point in my time with them, I had no place to live and Kevin let me stay in the basement of the furniture store. To be honest, it was cold, dark, and very lonely. I know now that he went out on a limb, and that if it wasn't for Kevin's huge heart, I'm not sure where I would have slept. Instead of showing him gratitude or respect, I abused his gift, and took advantage of his big heart. I had people in the store, that should not have been there. On one occasion I brought a group of people in the shop so we could have a place to drink. I think that was pretty much the last straw for Kevin, and he told me I could no longer stay in building. I could not blame him at all. For a short time after that I continued working (if you could call it that) for Kevin. Honestly though, I was getting so lost in my own insanity and addictions that I was pretty much useless to myself and anyone else. I was much closer to hitting my bottom than even I knew. Around this time I remember having what would be my last conversation with Kevin. Even after all I had done, he was still kind towards me. Our conversation has stayed with me and been on my heart since that day. he said "Chato, make something of your life, go back to school, get an education, I know you can do it." I think that they gave me some money that day, and I wrote them a pretty much worthless promissory note that I would send them some money the following year. I'm pretty sure Izabel was happy to do what ever she could to get me out of their lives. Again I don't blame her, I was toxic to myself and everyone I came into contact with.
A few weeks later I left Colorado, moving back to Washington State. It took about 2 more years for me to reach my bottom, to reach that jumping off place. Through a series of events I ended up in a drug and alcohol treatment program. I was 23 years old and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I couldn't keep a job, I didn't have a steady place to live. I was doing anything I could to not feel or have to deal with the reality that was my pitiful existence. Thankfully God had other plans for me. I found sobriety, I found sanity, I found an amazingly gracious and forgiving God. Through my first years of being sober I thought of Kevin Vicary often, and the words that he spoke into my life. I went to a technical school and received a certificate in business and computer administration. I then joined a local community college and began perusing a degree. At about three years sober, while on a business trip in Canada, I met a very beautiful young woman, her name Angela Bear. I knew from our very first conversation she was the kind of woman I could marry. Two years later we were married, I had a great career and was finishing my Degree in Business Management. The following summer we decided to take a road trip to visit my family in New Mexico. On our way there we stopped in the small town of Cortez, Colorado to see my uncle and grandfather. Kevin was still on my heart and I wanted to thank him and make amends to him for the way I had treated him. I walked over to the restaurant that was owned by his father Bill. The woman working told me that Bill was out of town and that Kevin and his family had moved to San Diego. I left my phone number and asked her to pass it on. I didn't expect to hear from him, why would he call me after the way I treated them.
School, marriage, career, life, sobriety, and time passed as it always does. In February of 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our first, a son. He arrived in October, a handsome little man. Time passed, I have been clean and sober almost 8 years, I have a college degree, a home, and a wonderful family. I awoke this morning with Kevin Vicary's name on my lips.
Thank you so much Kevin, thank you for believing in me, thank you for looking after me, thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being you. Heaven is a better place for having you. My prayers, thoughts, tears, and hope go out to your family and loved ones. May God show you the same grace, mercy, and hope that Kevin showed me.
Anyone who would like to donate to the Kevin Vicary family memorial fund can do so at any First Pacific Bank of California:
*Please send checks made out to:
"Kevin Vicary Family Memorial Fund"
First Pacific Bank of California
343 East Main Street
El Cajon, 92020
I am so sorry for Izabel, the twins, their youngest, and all of Kevin's family and friends. I know there is a hole left that can never be filled.
I met Kevin in 1998, when I was 19. He was a coworker and family friend of a woman's family that I was dating. I remember looking up to him, he was smart, funny, and handsome. He had the most beautiful wife. He had opened a business in the small town of Cortez, Colorado, the business was three fold, a Furniture store, a Paint and sundry store, and down stairs was Kevin's passion a dive shop. I spent some time working at the same Casino as Kevin and his mother Karla on the Ute Indian Reservation.
Through a series of somewhat crazy (mostly the insanity of my addiction) events, I ended up working for Kevin in his store. I helped with delivery's of the furniture side of the business. I did inventory and sales for the paint business, and just tried to stay out of the way when it came to the dive shop. Kevin was always kind and honest with me. I honestly think that he saw something in me that other did not, that I did not. On one occasion I remember having to do a delivery out of state, into Arizona, it was a few hundred mile trip and I remember getting lost (which I was really good at) I had finally gotten the delivery taken care of and was on my way back when the box truck broke down. I found a payphone and called Kevin. A couple hours later he showed up and was never mean, angry, or disrespectful towards me.
I was going through such a difficult time in my life. I was in a very unhealthy and abusive relationship, I was sinking deeper into alcoholism and drug addiction. I was on a emotional roller coaster, completely unable to see anything past myself and my wants, needs, hurts, etc. I don't remember how long I worked for Kevin and Isabel, but at some point in my time with them, I had no place to live and Kevin let me stay in the basement of the furniture store. To be honest, it was cold, dark, and very lonely. I know now that he went out on a limb, and that if it wasn't for Kevin's huge heart, I'm not sure where I would have slept. Instead of showing him gratitude or respect, I abused his gift, and took advantage of his big heart. I had people in the store, that should not have been there. On one occasion I brought a group of people in the shop so we could have a place to drink. I think that was pretty much the last straw for Kevin, and he told me I could no longer stay in building. I could not blame him at all. For a short time after that I continued working (if you could call it that) for Kevin. Honestly though, I was getting so lost in my own insanity and addictions that I was pretty much useless to myself and anyone else. I was much closer to hitting my bottom than even I knew. Around this time I remember having what would be my last conversation with Kevin. Even after all I had done, he was still kind towards me. Our conversation has stayed with me and been on my heart since that day. he said "Chato, make something of your life, go back to school, get an education, I know you can do it." I think that they gave me some money that day, and I wrote them a pretty much worthless promissory note that I would send them some money the following year. I'm pretty sure Izabel was happy to do what ever she could to get me out of their lives. Again I don't blame her, I was toxic to myself and everyone I came into contact with.
A few weeks later I left Colorado, moving back to Washington State. It took about 2 more years for me to reach my bottom, to reach that jumping off place. Through a series of events I ended up in a drug and alcohol treatment program. I was 23 years old and had nothing but the clothes on my back. I couldn't keep a job, I didn't have a steady place to live. I was doing anything I could to not feel or have to deal with the reality that was my pitiful existence. Thankfully God had other plans for me. I found sobriety, I found sanity, I found an amazingly gracious and forgiving God. Through my first years of being sober I thought of Kevin Vicary often, and the words that he spoke into my life. I went to a technical school and received a certificate in business and computer administration. I then joined a local community college and began perusing a degree. At about three years sober, while on a business trip in Canada, I met a very beautiful young woman, her name Angela Bear. I knew from our very first conversation she was the kind of woman I could marry. Two years later we were married, I had a great career and was finishing my Degree in Business Management. The following summer we decided to take a road trip to visit my family in New Mexico. On our way there we stopped in the small town of Cortez, Colorado to see my uncle and grandfather. Kevin was still on my heart and I wanted to thank him and make amends to him for the way I had treated him. I walked over to the restaurant that was owned by his father Bill. The woman working told me that Bill was out of town and that Kevin and his family had moved to San Diego. I left my phone number and asked her to pass it on. I didn't expect to hear from him, why would he call me after the way I treated them.
School, marriage, career, life, sobriety, and time passed as it always does. In February of 2008 we found out we were pregnant with our first, a son. He arrived in October, a handsome little man. Time passed, I have been clean and sober almost 8 years, I have a college degree, a home, and a wonderful family. I awoke this morning with Kevin Vicary's name on my lips.
Thank you so much Kevin, thank you for believing in me, thank you for looking after me, thank you for your kind heart, thank you for being you. Heaven is a better place for having you. My prayers, thoughts, tears, and hope go out to your family and loved ones. May God show you the same grace, mercy, and hope that Kevin showed me.
Anyone who would like to donate to the Kevin Vicary family memorial fund can do so at any First Pacific Bank of California:
*Please send checks made out to:
"Kevin Vicary Family Memorial Fund"
First Pacific Bank of California
343 East Main Street
El Cajon, 92020
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Donald Where's your Trouser
Donald, Where's Yer Trousers?
Just got in from the Isle of Skye
I'm not very big and I'm awfully shy
The ladies shout as I go by
Donald where's your trousers?
Chorus:
Let the winds blow high,
Let the winds blow low,
Down the street in my kilt I go
And all the ladies say hello
Donald where's your trousers?
A lady took me to a ball
And it was slippery in the hall
I was afraid that I would fall
'Cause I didn't have on my trousers
Chorus:
They'd like to wed me everyone
Just let them catch me if they can
You canna put the brakes on a highland man
Who doesn't like wearing trousers.
Chorus:
To wear the kilt is my delight,
It isn't wrong, I know it's right.
The highlanders would get afright
If they saw me in my trousers.
Chorus:
Well I caught a cold and me nose was raw
I had no handkerchief at all
So I hiked up my kilt and I gave it a blow,
Now you can't do that with trousers.
Chorus:
Just got in from the Isle of Skye
I'm not very big and I'm awfully shy
The ladies shout as I go by
Donald where's your trousers?
Chorus:
Let the winds blow high,
Let the winds blow low,
Down the street in my kilt I go
And all the ladies say hello
Donald where's your trousers?
A lady took me to a ball
And it was slippery in the hall
I was afraid that I would fall
'Cause I didn't have on my trousers
Chorus:
They'd like to wed me everyone
Just let them catch me if they can
You canna put the brakes on a highland man
Who doesn't like wearing trousers.
Chorus:
To wear the kilt is my delight,
It isn't wrong, I know it's right.
The highlanders would get afright
If they saw me in my trousers.
Chorus:
Well I caught a cold and me nose was raw
I had no handkerchief at all
So I hiked up my kilt and I gave it a blow,
Now you can't do that with trousers.
Chorus:
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mi Hijo
The way he looks up at me and smiles. My son see’s me come into the room and his facial expressions light up. He smiles, his eyes get big. A sense of overwhelming joy and emotion flood through me. I just want to hold him, god it is going to be so difficult to have to displine him, but I know without a doubt that it is vital to his success. Each day I gain a better understanding of why people say that they miss this stage of a childs life. I love it when he smiles so big that his eyes are squished closed by his little round cheeks. His laughter , not even fully developed is such an amazing thing. I watch him sleep. So peacefull, arms flung out above his head. He even smiles in his sleep sometimes, I wonder what he is dreaming about.
He is trying to crawl, and hasn’t quite figured out how to lift both his hind and front end at the same time. I want to help him, I want to do it for him, but I know this will only hinder his development. So I sit and watch as he lifts his butt into the air, while planting his chest and face into the carpet. I try not to laugh to much at the quite humorous sight. He begins getting frustrated that he is not getting anywhere and just rolls to his back. Smiles at me and then goes back to attempting this new feat.
He loves music, or maybe it is more that we love music and he has no choice but to listen. A good beat comes on and he begins bobbing his head. He will sit and stair for hours as I bang away on the drums, or strum out a tune on my guitar. I wonder if he remembers the songs I sang for him in his mothers womb. Those days I would sit and play my 6 string, while freestyling lyrics about the surprise that was growing within.
Who would have thought that just a few months later a blue eyed baby boy would be born into the world 8lbs 8oz, 21 inches long. With dark brown hair and blue eyes. I blink and he is five an a half months old now, his eyes are still blue as can be, we are hoping they stay that way. I will do what ever I can to protect his innocense, and give him the chance that was stolen away from me to enjoy being a child. Today I get to be the father that I always wished I had, an chance to be the father I always wanted for me.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Asking for Help
You know the feeling that you get from helping other people and expecting nothing in return? Well if I don't allow other people to help me I am robbing them of that feeling and experience.
I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.
I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.
That being said, I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.
I was raised by a single mother who taught me that the only person that I could rely on is myself. Never ask for help, never put your faith in other people, because you will always be let down. Honestly this way of thinking almost killed me, literally. At the time suicide was the only seemingly feasible escape. Thankfully that was not the end for me. Since that time I have learned that I cannot do this thing called life alone. As hard as it is reaching out and asking for help it is the only thing that has saved my ass on a number of occasions. I have learned that there are truly good people out there that I can count on. I have also learned that if I put all of my faith in any person, I will always always be let down. People are human and humans make mistakes, there is only one thing I have found that I can put all my faith in and be certain that they will not fail me.
I read something one time that said....The healthier we become, the more we realize how much we need other people.
That being said, I usually have to be in a position where there is no other option...lol....but at least I know better....Plus my wife has a good habit of helping me remember my limitations. Most of the time though, my friends know whats going on in my world so I don't have to ask, they offer. The key is accepting the offers. It does get easier.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Valentines 09 - Its not all about me - Follow UP
"Who says its selfish?
"Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is"
Really?
Why not invest it or just plain save it for your wife and sons future?
Do you really need another bike.... No
Does the wife really need a necklace....No
Will saving your money for future things...College,vacations, etc etc
Be more of an investment..... Yes"
Well I am thankful that I have my priorities in order. I realize that most people in today's day and age do not. How many times have I watched people I know live paycheck to paycheck, spending there last 5$ on a pack of cigarettes or a McDonald's cheese burger. Gratefully I am blessed enough not to live this way.
And yes "Really" where you invest your time and money is where your heart is.
I agree with you that Investing and saving money is very important. Having a college fund for my children is vital, especially since I plan on paying for the first 4 years of school for them. Vacations are also very important. We have been lucky enough to purchase some time share that gives my family about 2 weeks a year, pretty much anywhere in the world. However for me and my family the most important investment I make is my tithes. So with my finances in order and having money that I set aside for toys and things that I enjoy doing, I decided rather than spend it on myself, I would spend it on my wife.
Does she need a necklace? No. But really do any of us "NEED" 90% of the stuff we have? Using that mentality we should live in a one room shack, with only the bare essentials. Gratefully we live in a very wealthy country that affords us many many things that we do not need. We also live in a country where a person such as myself can and did go from being a homeless, hopeless drug addict and alcoholic who couldn't keep a job to becoming the person I am today in a mere 8 years. Today I have an amazing life, a beautiful wife, a precious son, and most of all I love myself today. All of the material possessions are merely icing on the cake, you take all those things away and I am still rich beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
I say that I love myself today, because there was a time that I hated the person that i saw in the mirror. I wanted nothing more than to die, but was to chicken to actually kill myself. Through a series of events and people that have come into my life, along with a little (probably alot) of counseling I went from having no self esteem, to having a low self esteem, to having a self esteem, to actually liking myself. Until one day through a lot of hard work I woke up to realize I was no longer the same person I had been.
Is my life perfect today? No, I still deal with life's problems, I still struggle with many of my insecurities. The difference today is that I have tools do deal with my problems productively rather than destructively.
Quite honestly the only difference between me and the guy sitting in prison or the drunk guy sitting on the corner holding a sign that says something along the lines of ....Why lie I need beer...or Hungry please help...is the grace of God.
Friday, February 13, 2009
Valentines 09 - Its not all about me
So I have a tendency to be kinda selfish. I like to spend money on things like motorcycles, cars, trucks, video games, movies, tv's etc etc. Im sure since Ive been married I have spent well over 20k or 30k on stuff I wanted. My wife still gets everything she wants, the only diff is, she doesn't usually want much. Well I have been saving and putting together some money to get a second motorcycle. I have been really wanting a supermoto.
About a month ago I read something that has really been making me think. " Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is."
So I have decided to invest my time and money in my wife and son. I went to our jeweler Panowitz in Olympia and with some help from Susan (who is awesome) I put together a diamond necklace, and in the center of the pendant is Etham's birthstone, a blue tourmaline.
Honestly, I feel really good about spending a couple G's on my wife instead of myself...although I still want that bike lol. She is more beautiful than ever.....I think that quote is true.....
Well I got home Friday from picking up the necklace and my valentines gift was waiting for me on the on the kitchen table. So I just gave her the nicely wrapped box. It was wrapped in a dark brown paper with a purple bow. The first thing she said is...."You didn't wrap this" I was like how do you know that? She said because it has a bow and the tape is on the inside. Made me laugh, cause I am a pretty horrible gift wrapper. Then the jewelry box had a Panowitz sticker on it and she got a big smile. She was very excited, even got watery eyes. Then her next question was how much...I love my wife, but she can be too practical sometimes. I told her that I spent my bike money on it. She really loves it, I don't think she has taken it off. Valentines day we went to dinner at Anthonys in Olympia and had a very nice dinner. All in all it was a great Valentines.
About a month ago I read something that has really been making me think. " Where you invest your time and money is where your heart is."
So I have decided to invest my time and money in my wife and son. I went to our jeweler Panowitz in Olympia and with some help from Susan (who is awesome) I put together a diamond necklace, and in the center of the pendant is Etham's birthstone, a blue tourmaline.
Honestly, I feel really good about spending a couple G's on my wife instead of myself...although I still want that bike lol. She is more beautiful than ever.....I think that quote is true.....
Well I got home Friday from picking up the necklace and my valentines gift was waiting for me on the on the kitchen table. So I just gave her the nicely wrapped box. It was wrapped in a dark brown paper with a purple bow. The first thing she said is...."You didn't wrap this" I was like how do you know that? She said because it has a bow and the tape is on the inside. Made me laugh, cause I am a pretty horrible gift wrapper. Then the jewelry box had a Panowitz sticker on it and she got a big smile. She was very excited, even got watery eyes. Then her next question was how much...I love my wife, but she can be too practical sometimes. I told her that I spent my bike money on it. She really loves it, I don't think she has taken it off. Valentines day we went to dinner at Anthonys in Olympia and had a very nice dinner. All in all it was a great Valentines.
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